My name is Marla. I'm 32 years old. I live with AIDS every day of my life. Sometimes it's obvious, other times I almost forget. My moods swing from self-pity to acceptance, from anger to peace. I go back and forth constantly.

Having this disease somehow makes it easier for me to deal with life. Life is hard. Most people go through it with much more grace than myself. AIDS is an up and down kind of thing. AIDS makes the difficulties of life look like a cake walk.

I think what it boils down to for anyone is staring at our own suffering and ultimately death. Everyone dies. Everyone. Not just people with AIDS. The only difference is, with AIDS, I had to confront all the issues that go with it from an early age. I was 24 years old when I tested positive. At a time in ones life when thinking about family or career is the norm: not about giving people a death sentence through love, not about feeling contaminated and not panicking around my own death. I'm pretty sure that I would not have been tested had I thought there was even the slightest chance I might test positive.

I remember the first 3 or 4 months I felt really contaminated and very depressed. I felt dirty and feared death. I got a really good doctor right away and tried everything. I was going to beat this thing, or was I? I was desperate.

I figured I'd better fulfill some of my dreams before I die. I'd always talked about traveling, but one thing or another (usually in my head) kept me here. Well, the thought you will die soon is a great incentive. So I quit my office job, sold my car and sublet my apartment, loaded up a backpack and headed off to Europe. I was there for 6 months. I could continue on about my journey and all the little side roads and growing experiences, but I won't. What I really want to convey is my personal philosophy on Eastern/Western medicine and treatment. After having many, many different feelings about Western medicine, IÕve finally landed in the middle somewhere. I now believe that it has a very significant place in AIDS treatment both prophylactically and for acute illness. However, they are toxic and can be really hard on the body.

It took me a while to begin to understand the philosophy of Eastern medicine. I see it as a comprehensive treatment: body, mind, emotions and spirit. I still don't fully understand what goes on, but I know I feel good after my treatments. Just the little check-in with the practitioner is nurturing. And lying on the table, still and quiet with soothing music is very calming.

I believe the key to maintaining my health is a very delicate balance between Eastern and Western medicine. After receiving the benefits of Western medicine, my body is left with toxins and who knows what else. I think it misaligns the body. Acupuncture and herbs seem to put my body back into a more complete alignment. It also works with non-tangible things that Western medical practices tend to overlook. I strongly believe that spiritual and emotional health are just as, if not more important, than physical health in treating HIV.

I've been coming to IEP for over 3 years. Who knows what it is that keeps me healthy? I couldn't begin to figure that out. I think it's a lot of little things. But I know I want to continue with acupuncture and herbs. It's a very important part in the balance of my treatment.